I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
