I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
