I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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