Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize