Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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