hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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