i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
