just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
