I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
