I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
