Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
