Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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