all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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