Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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