Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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