FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
