My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
