Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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