I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have post one night stand depression
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