why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
