I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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