Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
