Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
