Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
