mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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