people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
