The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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