when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
