Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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