When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
