I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
