I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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