saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Are my feet made of real feet?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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