am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
