census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
