i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
