What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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