If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
