Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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