mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
