drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
