Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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