R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
