he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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