Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
even my farts smell like vagina
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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