You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
