Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
