Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
