the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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