a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
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