Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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