Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
