I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
